ask me to describe how i feel inside. just as you start to ask me that question..i
BS a bunch of ish just to save face. make you feel as if i really could relate to you. make you feel as if i really knew what was going on. but thats what i do best. i am so tired of living like an empty shell. while being emotionally void, i lost all vigor for life. losing that vigor, you lose all excitement. when that excitement is lost, depression sets in. i truthfully confess i have been suffering from manic or bipolar depression. for all who know me see me as this care free, crazy, outgoing person, but do they all realize what is constantly happening underneath the surface? how i truly feel? how i truly relate to things? i feel as if i have not truly lived..that is until i moved to Seattle an into my new chapter of life with my GPC FAMILY.
here i dedicate this humble an meager note of recognition for all of you who changed my life. whether you knew it or not, all of you have touched my life in a different way. never have i been told so many times that i was so loved, so appreciated, so cared for. i know now what it feels like to have a real family. to be able to take part in caring for others, to be cared for, it is really an honor. i hope no one will ever forget my words. for i will say this only once, HAHAHA just kidding. I LOVE YOU ALLL <3 forever an ever an ever an ever! but yes, keep strong in that love of God, for he is your strength when you are weak, your nourishment for when you are hungry, an the water for your life. just as i breath, as you also continue to do so, i will love you guys, i will feel for you guys..
17 Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins
behind your back.
PEACE&LOVE from yours truly..
Save some face, you know you’ve only got one..
…people are so damn inconsiderate.
1.Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18)
2.Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)
3.Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26)
4.Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9)
5.Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1)
6.Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15)
7.Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14)
8.Trust without wavering. (Corinthians 13:7)
9.Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13)
10.Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12)
while laying here listening an talking to Him, the rain lulled me to peace, to clarity..
as i peer out my window, i see the street lamp an its soft glow. that soft glow distorted by the droplets of rain that pour down continuously. as i ponder, thoughts of Him come to mind. what is Your plan for me? i am so confused an i feel alienated, as if no one is there to give me the right answer, for no one can give me the right answer, for only HE can give me the right answer. do i still lay here? do i dare venture out? i quietly stole outside to hear the subtle drumming of the rain. as it falls to the moist earth, the sound is muffled. further up is a great cherry tree with its fragile petals of newly formed flowers. as the rain beats them down, those fragile petals drift down to the pavement. i see this through the eyes of nature, but through the eyes of myself, i see Grace raining down on me from the heavens. as it continues to fall, i am struck with awe an amazement, one can only stand for so long in His Presence. i fall face down into the earth crying out to Him, crying out, pleading for Him to take me away from this desolate place, this place a slave to the temptations of the wicked. we all wonder, i wonder, why can’t He just take me? the reason only He knows, but a reason we can only spend our lives deciphering. He has a plan for us, a plan for me. i trust in Him, He will show us the way, He will show ME the way.
always taken so lightly…or taken to the extreme, at which point does it turn into obsession and completely destroys the pure simulacrum of this so called love? it is not something you can throw away on a whim. it is not “trash.” its going to come back to torment you once again. love is hard to explain. there are no possible words in english or in any other language to fully explain the emotions coursing through your body, mind, an soul. it is not something to take lightly. because it cannot be “thrown away,” its going to stay for a long while. these emotions can stay for 5 years, 10 years, up to your whole life. love is such an immense overpowering emotion, that cannot be fully comprehended. neither can it be understood or defined to its true potential. what do you think the purpose of love is? why has a mere emotion took hold of us human beings to the point of self scarification? if it were to be demolished from the very fabric of life, where will humanity stand? love is a beautiful necessity. there is no humanity if there was no love. as time passes an that love cannot be forgotten, the more you dwell an dot on it, the longer it stays. you try to repress it, but it gets to the point where you utterly despise the love altogether. as you try to run away, to ignore it, you become completely oblivious to the pure meaning of this love. when was that time where you believed it for happiness? the sweet torment that caused sleepless nights? when every second of the day consumed by thoughts of her, of thoughts of him. you wonder what is wrong, why is it so hard to forget her, to forget him? as you repress an bottle the feelings inside, the stronger the flames lick at your heartstrings: a scorching inferno within, excruciatingly charring your very soul into submission. i ask myself, what do i know about this so called love? nothing i tell you, absolutely nothing. i scream an call out to God within this body of mine. so confused with blinding desire, i cannot bear to think about anything else. how can i contain this insanity? only by the GRACE of YOU.
you are my desire,
you are the source of my compassion,
you are the one true love
you are an forever be LOVE
you know those times when you feel so dang down? right now is one of “those times.” everyday i am told theres something wrong with me, i cant do something well, i am rude, uncaring, without common sense. WELL i may be all those things but don’t you realize why? why i choose the things i do? how i do them? do you think i care about the other people who are supposedly “normal?” because i choose not to follow those who live ordinary lives, does that make me sick enough to go to the hospital? i want to live an extraordinary life, a life full with adventures. i don’t have to be perfect to live. does everything you do make sense in life? the things you do in life should be towards self prosperity and happiness. why do we eat that ice cream cone? why do we want to go to that concert. why do we want to go to that particular church? why do we chose to be friends with that particular person? you don’t become friends for self gain. it goes both ways. i am just here chillin an wanting to have a good time. do i need a reason for every detail in life? can’t i just LIVE? at this moment i don’t feel like a human being. someone who is respected an not taken advantage of. all these things i do are out of LOVE. i try not to fight with you, but it seems inevitable an fruitless. everything i say is used against me to abuse me, to hurt me. i try hard not to hurt you, but in the end..it all seems like i am doing everything in vain. would it just solve the problem to never see you again? never to speak to you again? never to share the seconds ticking by as time races by us? as every minuet, second, nanosecond, hour, day, week, month, year goes by it is closer to that moment when i will never see you again. will my soul be restless still? just because one of us will be gone our souls will still be in discontent? it is said time will heal, will it? DEAR GOD PLEASE HELP ME. i can’t live like this anymore. i can’t deal with the many emotions running through me constantly. which shall i choose? should i still hide behind this visage of happiness for the sake of order? should i rip the seams apart an create chaos? in the end…i feel as if i am helpless an lifeless. as every day passes, it comes closer to the end. but to whose end? mine perhaps? or maybe yours. only GOD can say.